Fears

 I am only here to procrastinate. With the rewrite finished and only revisions ahead of me, I am gripped by fear every time I open the Word document. I’ve read all the message boards. I’ve read all the blogs. I’ve eaten everything there is to eat (and more). I…haven’t done the chores I should do. I know once I get going it will be fine. I hope. 

I will remember why I love the story. 

The faster I return to it, the faster I can send it to someone - Which is a whole new bottle of bubbly fears. I think this is all the fault of daydreaming. When I can’t write during the day, my head goes up in the clouds to lofty places I shouldn’t let it go. It explores the uncharted territory of a finished manuscript. I pull it back down over and again, but it is full of hot air. So perhaps my head is the balloon and the MS is a big sharp needle. And this is about to get very, very messy.

Meh.

13 thoughts on “Fears

  1. Um, got any room in your boat? ‘Cause I think we’re basically in the same one, so we may as well share it.

    I’ve been revising and revising and revising (and that’s after a total rewrite). Now, I’m thinking I may have to do yet another rewrite (or at least a partial one), and several times throughout this process, I’ve thought that “I’m almost done and ready to submit…it’s going to be great! I’m going to hook ‘em on the first try!” etc, etc, etc.

  2. Hey Julie, grab an oar! We’re headed upstream and I don’t like the color of the water… ;)

    I suppose the megalomaniacal thoughts are probably adaptive. If we didn’t all have dreams of grandeur, why would we EVER take this on?

    Row, row, row your revisions…

  3. I’m right there with you, so don’t worry about this not being a ‘normal’ feeling/state of mind. Haha… I just used the word ‘normal’ while talking about being a writer… *G*

    In your case, I get the very strong feeling that you do love your story… but this fear is more about the fear of others reading it. Do you have good crit partners? Are you confident of who will be reading it?

    1. Damn, Karen. You hit the nail on its gigantic head. I have crit partners to read it. I’m pretty sure they’ll all give great crits. I have read stuff for most of them before, but pretty much no one has ever seen this story.

      My brother-in-law will be one of the critters. He looked at the first chapter last year and pretty much shredded it – but everything he said was valid and very helpful. So commenced the re-write.

      I’ve been trying to write this story the way it deserves to be written. I totally blew it before. But you are so right – all the anxiety comes from having people look at it and telling me what they think. I desperately want them to be honest – one way or another. But my mind is constantly at war “they will love it — they will hate it.”

      Agh, look…I wrote another novel right here. :P

      Thanks for your insight!

      1. I can’t believe I didn’t reply to this before. *sigh* I am kinda busy at the moment, and it’s doing my head in.

        But, anyway! I’m glad I could help with a bit of insight. That fear of having people tell us what we don’t want to hear – while at the same time desperately needing honest feedback – is so difficult to cope with. Sounds like you’ve got some good people working with you, though. I’d love to offer to read for you, but I am a bit buried right now and will be getting manuscripts from BOTH of my CPs soon… *shudders* ;)

        Good luck!

        1. Oh, no worries and thanks! That is so generous of you to even think of offering, but I think I have it covered! I’m a good chunk into the revisions now and feeling better. You know, the doubt is always the worst before you start. Thank you so much and good luck working through all the tasks you do have. :)

    1. Thanks, Jackie. :) I just want to get it over with so my brain can have a rest…plus I’m just damn curious to get feedback after working so hard for so long. I’m sure you know what I mean!

  4. “In the end it’s all okay, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
    - (I cannot remember who said that)

    If it wasn’t messy, it wouldn’t be writing. Hang in there and don’t be afraid! You will pwn the revisions and the revisions won’t pwn you!

    (I need that cheerleading smiley!)

    courtney

    1. “In the end it’s all okay, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
      - (I cannot remember who said that)

      Oh god. You just made me realize I sound as paralyzed by fear and anxiety as my mother-in-law who cannot order a hot dog unless you TELL her what she wants on it. THANK YOU – I’m saved!

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